Xde mood....

nak stdy...

tp ade mslh skit...

ehem2 wat aku xde mood dari semlm...

salah k aku ckp mcm tu..

bile gado2 j

t msti aku akn rindu kat dia

rindu tahap dewa plak tu...

aih...

mcm mane ni eh...

benci r...

FAR 400....

tamat la sudah mgambil killer paper yg pertama

mak aih..

xpunya susah kan

last sem yg senang pun bole 50 % fail

ni kan lagi susah..

hmm...

ade kah aku akan berjumpa Dr Loo Ern Chen kembali...

oh tidak2...

dari target B

hanya jadi C j skrg ni

wo yao B

wo yao B

wo yao B

hmm

tawakal j la..

adey..

Yeah!!!!!

Menang jgk akhirnya..

Y.N.W.A

(esok bole pki jersey gi KBM ni...)

Karut-karut yang karut by Zahiril Adzim

Karut-karut yang karut

Karut karut si tukang karut,

Yang karut tetap karut,

Yang belum karut dikarutkan

Yang akan karut akan dikarutkan.

Yang karut sudah dilupakan

Yang belum karut masih dikarutkan,

Bunyinya karut,

Cakapnya karut,

Tulisnya karut,

Agamanya karut,

Fikirnya karut,

Mukanya karut,

Anunya karut,

Duburnya karut,

Langkahnya karut,

Gembangnya karut,

Bangsatnya karut,

Ludahnya karut,

Hembusnya karut,

Umurnya karut,

Nafasnya karut,

Bapanya karut,

Ibunya karut,

Anaknya karut,

Keluarganya karut,

Dengarnya karut,

Rasanya karut,

Lihatnya karut,

Gayanya karut,

Lagaknya karut,

Baunya karut,

Nafasnya karut,

Telannya karut,

Muntahnya karut,

Celakanya si tukang karut,

Celakanya si tukang karut yang berlagak seperti pangarut,

Yang pengarut dengan karutan-karutan yang karut,

karut karut dan karut,

karut yang karut karut apa yang kau karutkan,

Barangkali aku lagi yang paling karut.

20/10/09... Rabu...

okk..

bangun2

depan laptop

pkl..

1030...

hmm

makan jap

mandi

gi klas

tgk org present dari kul 12-2

pastu ade quiz eco

alahai

silap wat nsb aku smpt wat pembetulan

tq nazri...

pastu ptg present...

nsb p yg aku wat pagi2 kul 2

td tu btl

huh

lega...

siap wat example skali

pas tu mlm..

ge solat hajat plak...

ni bukti kite gi....

igt kan pas maghrib trus solat atau baca yasin

dia bagi ceramah la plak..

hmm

lyn je la

dh abs ceramah

solat isyak

pas isyak baru

solat hajat

hmm

byk jgk aku hajat...

huhu

tamak2

xpe2

xsalah kan?

kan?

pas abs..

trus ambk makanan

trus balik

igt nk jmpa "ehem"

sbb rasa2 dia dtg..

tapi niat sbnrnya mmg nk gi solat

so nawaitu tu dh btl

so xdpt jumpe xper la..

huhu...

balik2

baca crg n ctu...

wpun baca crg satu bab j...

trus tdo

penat r...

huhu

Selasa 20/10/09

Update2...

ok khamis..

ape eh aku wat oh

emm.

jadi pinky boy...

pas abs klas kul 3.30

pastu mula shooting

untuk mandarin..

huhu

t aku cuba upload kat sini..

abs shoot kul 5...

pastu tgkp plak kat scene river cruise

pastu rehat2 jap

gie kat DP

ambik scene kat DP

sengal siot..

huhu..

best pun ade jgk..

smpi umh kul 9 mlm

pas tu plak carik maf punya assgmnt

mak ai..

mane ni...

berenang aku kat internet..

nak lemas dah...

pastu jumpa jgk kul 2.00 am

copy, paste

copy,paste

pastu ttdo dpn laptop..

so smbg esk....

???????

OK

MULAKAN......

BABI...

SIAL

PUKIMAK

MACAM LAHANAT

SENGAL

PUKI

PANTAT

KEPALA JIMBIT

TENGKORAK KAU

MCM NAK MAMPUS

TIU NA SENG

MAHAI

TIU NA MA

SON OF THE BITCH

BASTARD

FUCK

HELL

HOLY SHIT

MOTHERFUCKER

JAMBRONI

ASS HOLE

BITCH

HANTU KO

JAHANAM KO

PUKIMAK KO

SIAL!!!!!!

OK..

ABIS

Tukar dasar...

Dasar pengswataan di bubar kan

sbb tak menguntungkan mana2 pihak...

so bole baca mcm biasa...

Penat...!!!!

arini(selasa) penat...

pagi2 dh ade test bel

bukan test

final woo

ssh r jgk

pastu quiz far

alahai...

susahnye

mampus aku ari khamis ni

sure kene cubit lagi..

hish

pastu dh relax

siap bole tenung kamu lagi...

hmm..

comey2

hehehe

pastu

clas crg

nsb kejap j..

bole r...

pastu mula lah aktiviti shooting

alahai

ssh jugak

apelah resultnya t..

balik umh igt nak rehat

kene gie DP plak

layan kn j

shoot kat garden cafe

nsb scene aku xbyk

ckp skit2

dah abis huhu

balik2

gie mkn

pastu d mber kirim mkn

antar kan

balik

msg dgn bdk comey td

lyn2 dia

pastu mandi

bukak eco smbl msg

siap eco

dia msh bz.. huh...

nk webcam dgn kamu...

rindu...

tp mcm xdpt j...( masa post ni xtau lagi dpt k x ok)

smbg wat maf la..

tata..

Ari isnin....

bangun pagi,
gosok gigi...
lalala....
gie klas
kene present
wat pertama kali aku jadi penutup
huhu
kene soal
nsb baik dpt jwp
siap tambah jwpn lec
hbt x?
puji2
pastu klas law
tdo 2 kali
pastu mam
klas eco,
ok
xngtk
juz mls
haha
pastu blk...
ddk dlm kete
nmpk awek...
pki bj merah2 usha2 kete aku
la..
kamu rupanya...
hikhik...
pastu gi 7e
beli roti
on da way blk
ade scene xbest
nape ??
ade la...
huh..
pastu blk,
cas handphone yg mati..
bukak2
ade msg dia..
ala...
sowi2
mlm ni xdpt lagi msg
dia bz..
sedey..
hukhuk...
xpe
ni dugaan...
skrg musim test n quiz...
phm2
kamu stdy rajin2 eh..
tp kite
ade quiz far n bel..
bole wat dek j...
huhu..
tu j..
tatata

Raya semalam

yeh..
semalam gie raya
mula2 bangun awal
igt nk gi kbm
wat akaun asbn
utk 1 malaysia,
last2
dh abis r
dush
malu woo
then blk umh
ngadap game
pastu
dlm kul 12 gi umh symira merangkap awek erman
tapi ambk juju n ayu dulu
memandangkan bawak dua kete j
so terlebih suda
juju pun ikut aku
spjg pjalan byk jgk kitaorg borak
psl p eh?
biarlah rahsia
sampai2 umh syamira
eh?
horrornye
ade org x ni
hmm..
tunggu man pastu yg lmbt terhegeh2
bila dia smpi
bru naik
emm...
kitaorg j k?
yg len dh balik
salam2
eh..
mkn nasik putih
biar btl
xpe2
rezeki tu shahrul.
jgn complain2
pastu time mkn
aku byk kaco mira n erman
huhu
suka aku buli couple ni
nk wat cmne
aku xde awek nk buli
hmm
dh2 mkn
mira n erman ngade2
pastu...
pap...
tumpah air
aduh man..
cmne nk jadi menantu ni
reject2
malu j kitaorg
nsb mak ayh xde
huhu
mira dh gelak2
haha
pastu mira dtg kat aku
"shahrul2...
korg dh couple k ?
erk...
aku pn jwp
"eh.. kwn j la..."
mira pun bls
"btl k... tp tgk korg mcm da.."
aku jwp
"mana ade, kalo dh, mesti dia ade kat sini skrg"
mira pn smbg
"emm, xpelah, kalo adeh jodoh, ade la
kalo x,nk wat cmne, sbar eh shahrul, aik.. mcm ustazah plak aku ni"
kitaorg pn gelak2 pastu
pastu dh abs2
nk balik
bru kul 145,
takan nk balik umh..
hmm..
teringat plak yg ade org ni gi umh pn hidayah
so aku pun suruh juju call pn
puan pn ckp ok, dtg la....
trus aku cari kroni2 yg len
tp singgah masjid al-azim utk solat
sbb juju n ayu nk solat dulu,
lps dh solat
kitaorg g lanang kumpul
gerak ramai2 dua buah bijik kete
smpi2
anak puan smbt
sapinah...
kite tnya
"ummi mana..."
ade kat dalam....
ok2..
kitaorg pun serbu..
tgk puan makin tembam
k aku yg rabun
haha
so borak2 lah smpi kul 5,
pnt nk cite smua
byk sgt cite
just ade satu eksiden
"miroh... nape dia kurung is3 dia?"
pastu si miroh ni mula cite mak nenek kat aku...
pastu sarah berkata
"dia tnya nape dia kurung is3 dia lah"
aku pun ckp lah
"ntah, aku tnya tu, bukan tnya len, ko ni suka cite mak nenek kan?
patut r far ko yg blkg tu skit.."
pastu miroh trus sentap...
hek eleh..
ckp skit dh sentap
bosan r kwn mcm ni
pastu ajk tkgp gmbr taknak
dh mls
alasan
dh pki kasut
mls nk bukak
kecik ati puan
dalam kete man nges
p la..
ckp skit terasa,
xckp kate sombong
pompuan2
huh..
benci2..
mampus ko lah
pasni aku x tgr ko dh..
mls...
ok!!!
pastu smpi umh
penat sgt
msg kamu,
pastu kamu tnya mcm mana tau
tp time tu dh terlelap smpi magrib
pnt wo..
tu je...
slebihnya...
kite spend msg,ym n cal kamu..
huhu...

Balik ke xbalik ???

hmmm
sptt nya aku balik
tapi
xbalik
sbb
xde duit
ade assgmnt
tapi nk balik
sbb
dh janji
dgn rfa
nak bg buku
dgn mama
sbb dia rindu kite
tp aku ttp xblk
arini
2 perkara lagi suh aku balik
mber aku tertinggal jubah kat sini
dia nak aku send kat dia
tp aku xblk
pastu esk mber aku wat open house
tp aku x gie sbb xblk
nape aku xblk ???

sbb aku tkt pergi xkembali
td aku tnya erman
"man, kalo aku pergi xkembali cm mane ??"
dia dgn selamba jawap
"dah takdir shah, nk wat cmne"
oh tidak2
aku xsedia lagi
bole postpone x ?
byk lagi aku xwat lagi kat dunia ni
hmmm
so smpi skrg aku tertanya2
nk balik k x????

Scene in melaka riverbanks

tahniah2
sbb?
esok aku raya
pelik kan?
lambat kan..
huhu
tp berjaya jgk
dari org yg xpose 6 kan
huhu
lagi satu
tahniah2
sbb akhirnya jogging
huh
dasar dh tua
sakit urat tapak kaki aku
huhu
kne latih diri lagi ni
moga pas ni rajin2
lagi lah aku
emm
cite masa jogging
ade k patut
budak2 mortrm bole terjun dalam sungai melaka yg kotor lagi jijik tu
eee
aku tgk pun nk muntah
wpun aku pernah muntah kat dalam ni skali
tapi eee
jijiknya
sure budak2 ni akan ade kudis n kurap
mcm mana lah diaorg bole survive
hmm..
penat2
nak mandi n beribadah
esok x berat sgt
so bole enjoy mlm ni skit2
hmm...
ok blogger
tata

huk huk...

dasar pengswataan akan di teruskan sepeti mana yg di usulkan
so if xde coment n reply
aku akn wat pada esok kul 12.00 mlm
tapi aku akn wat blog bru...
so tunggulah ketibaannya...
ok?
tata..!!!

niGhTmaRe t0 rEmembEr (reViSiT)

cold
sitting here all alone
no one by my side
just a perfect stranger to everyone
why i let myself here
to this barren place
can someone guide me
can someone save me

lost
none to turn too
i kept looking myself in the mirror
am i good to anyone
am i burden to myself
without tear
without sorrow
i let myself to this place where i belong

*
this is my kingdom
where agony,
suffering and everything
is here
alone
without a clue
i end up here
here all alone

Sane
help me to restore myself
find me out of here
faith
is all i have
to give the answer
hope
is long faded
i need miracle
sacrifice
is needed
to heal this wound

*

Out from this nightmare
come messiah
save me
heal me
take me
out this misery

angel of death (nightmare to be remember)

hey you
i am sitting here
with nowhere to go
nowhere to call place home
all this tragedy
has push me to the state of unsound
dead is all i think
and dead is only the answer

so come
sit with me
be my companion for awhile
hear my story
my sad story
about how i want to take my life
please dont laugh
im not kidding
and why are u smiling

*
Do you know my name son
i watch u over this time
i was the one who gather ur ancestor
and now im the one who take people life
am the angel of dead
this is my sole task
and it lead me to you
so have you prepare son
coz i am the angel of dead

Can u stop joking
i am not dead yet
if u are the angel of dead
u should go there,
there was an accident
then go there
do your job
why u still smiling and laughing
this is no joke

*

how naive are you
do you see that man lay on the ground
that is you
the one who suicide
left this world without been told
without been wanted
so now let's go
ur punishment await you...

*
now u know my name
now u know my purpose
believe what you had been told
i came unwanted
i do unregretfully
i do what is been told
coz im angel of death

erk...

knape eh?
xsangka aku mcm ni
tkt k?
malu k?
ntah lah..
segan kot...
tp
diaorg...
huh..
xyah ckp lah
janji dh lepas
hmm...

"without love
without true
there can be no turning back
without faith
without hope
there can be no peace of minds"

Personal view

Mggu ni byk aku tgk cite
gado,crowzero 2,papadom,
smua ada msg tertentu,
bile tgk pandangan mereka
aku mcm lebih terbuka dalam hal ni,
matlamat
cita2
smua di tunjukkan dalam cite ni
so aku akan lebih berani kejar cita2 aku
w'pun berbagai cabaran akan mendatang nanti...
huhu
k lah,
penat update blog
mandi pun x..
ok
t.care people...

Gado!!!

APA YANG DI TULIS NI AGAK RACIS
SO BACA DENGAN MINDA TERBUKA!!!!!!
INI SEDUTAN DARI CITER GADO!!!

citer gado adelah salah satu citer yang di haramkan di malaysia
macam mualaf, 30 hari sblm merdeka dan sebagainya
sbb issue ini sgt2 sensitif,
so aku cite sinopsis cite ni skit

berkisah kan budak melayu n budak cina yang gado di sekolah
lalu di hukum untk masuk kelab theater untuk belajar hidup bersama
masa scene yang bakal aku ckp ni
wat kte marah,
bengang,
terasa,
sakit
tp
ni adalah kenyataan
ini bukan aku reka
ini aku copy dari cite ni
ok mulakan....

M:"Saya paling xsuka orang cina, diaorg ingat diaorg bagus,pijak melayu"
C:"Orang melayu,xhormat orang cina,kite terpaksa kerja kuat, nak hidup,nk belajar tinggi xde duit mcm mana nak berjaya"
M:"Orang cina makan babi, pengotor, berak xpernah basuh"
M:"Saya paling xsuka sekolah ini,semua orang bodo, xkiralah lah, cina k,melayu k india k, smua bodo"
C:"Melayu bodo, belajar tak pandai pun boleh masuk u"
C:"Melayu suka complain, Selalu carik salah orang lain, salah sendiri xnampak"
M:"Oit cina,lu jaga skit lu punya mulut,lu tahu tak,lu menumpang j kat negara ni tau, sape yang suka carik gado"
C:"Orang melayu xde otak"
M:"Orang cina masuk neraka"
I:"saya xsuka diri saya sebab saya bagi orang lain buli diri saya,sebab saya xramai,saya xkuat,saya sebenarnya nak kawan smua org,tapi orang lain sebok nak gado,saya xberani"
C:"Terlau bangga dengan bangsa sendiri, xabis2 carik gado dengan bangsa lain"
M:"Sebab diaorang tamak"
M:"Bangun pagi, xmandi pagi, badan berbusuk"

ok...
panas x skrip dia
pergh..
tapi..
ade btl jgk..
aku pnh kwn cina n india sblm msk u,
dulu rapat jgk dgn bangsa lain
tapi sjk msk u
yg satu bangsa ni,
aku dapat lihat pandangan mereka
nape cina ckp mcm tu
nape melayu ckp mcm tu
semua ada btl dia
semua rasa apa yang diaorg rasa
ni pandangan aku,
korg tgk lah cite ni,
if korg bole terima mcm mana cite ni berakhir
gagasan 1 Malaysia
boleh tercapai...
mmg bangsa aku ketua kat tanah ni
tu hakikatnya
so terimalah perkara 152 dan 153 dalam perlembagaan tu
jangan nak cabar2 kaum pun lagi,
dah 52 tahun merdeka
dah 52 tahun aman
ckp lah tragedi 13 mei (bday aku ni!!!)
jadi sekali j...
so sape2 yg baca psl hal ni,
tgklah cite gado,
kat youtube ade,
perpaduan tu penting
jaga bangga kite melayu tapi kite teruk dari bangsa lain
hidup 1 Malaysia!!!!

pengajaran dalam papadom..

hmm..
baru balik tgk papadom...
tau2
korg dah tgk dulu..
tadi aku tgk dgm erman...
tapi xddk sblh2
sbb dh penuh
dia ddk blkg aku...
so aku pun lyn lah sorg2
patut lah menang filem terbaik kat festival filem malaysia...
jaln cite unik,
lakonan mantap,
erti kata...
untuk cite malaysia kali ni..
sgt ok..
konsep 1 m'sia pun diterapkan...
bygkn yoanne yg bukan bumi pun msk uitm...
per cer kn ??
hmm
lawak jgk scene aflin kene interview psl pekerjaan pekebun..
tapi
cite ni ms ending
byk sedarkan aku..
aku xbole wat mcm mana dia wat..
kdg2 niat kita baik
tapi org fkr kita wat jht...
bila scene dia ckp dgn liyana jasmay
aku tgh mbygkan sesuatu..
kalo lah aku seberani dia
aku dh wat mcm tu...
tp dah ckp berani k aku..
huhu..
thanks for erman sbb tmn aku tgk cite ni
nant2 lyn cite lain k..
emm..
ni ade sedikit apa yg aku belajar..

"kita tak sanggup kehilangan sesuatu benda,
lalu kita simpan,
umpama burung yang ingin terbang tapi kita letak di sangkar emas,
kita jaga dia,
kita perhatikan dia,
tapi dia,
ingin terbang tinggi ke langit,
bersama teman2nya,
lalu sangkar ini di buka,
tapi dia masih dalam sangkar,
kerana tidak tahu terbang,
lalu dengan tangan ini,
aku ambik dan hulur ke langit,
lalu dia terbang tanpa dia sedari,
aku lihat dia terbang tinggi ke langit,
meninggalkan aku bersama sangkar emas dia,
kadang kala apa yang kita ingini bukan semuanya yang terbaik untuk semua,
oleh itu,
..........."

ending benda ni akan diberitahu
tapi untuk kamu...
bile waktu izinkan kita dengan kamu..

Emm...

Kite
xnak sakit kan kamu..
tapi kite xnak sakit kan kite
sbb tu kite wat kptsn mcm tu
so kite hrp kamu btl2 fhm...
kamu xkejam..
kamu xzalim...
semua dah jadi...
biarlah kite teruskan kehidupan ni...
ok yeh kamu...

Soal hati ????

Hmm...
baru balik dari kuar dgn member...
igt dpt enjoykan diri
tapi
aku xdpt buang "dia"
dalam ingatan aku...
tadi pilih lagu semua mcm aku tuju kat dia...
huh..
ati2...
ko nk sakit lagi k...
biar lah dia takde...
nape ko nk rindu kat dia...
ko nak lalui k apa yg ko lalui ari tu
ko suka eh kene cmtu...
hmm...
ati2...
dgr lah ckp otak ni..
igt pesan doktor...
biarlah pedih mana pun...
tapi ko harus terus pandang masa depan...
lupakan dia...
lupakan....

an epic songs....

The Glass Prison

[music by Myung, Petrucci, Portnoy, Rudess]
[lyrics by Mike Portnoy]

[I. REFLECTION]

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
Been beaten to a pulp
Vigorous, Irresistable
Sick and tired and laid low
Dominating, Invincible
Black-out, loss of control
Overwhelming, Unquenchable
I'm powerless, have to let go

I can't escape it
It leaves me frail and worn
Can no longer take it
Senses tattered and torn

Hopeless surrender
Obsession's got me beat
Losing the will to live
Admitting complete defeat

Fatal Descent
Spinning around
I've gone too far
To turn back round

Desperate attempt
Stop the progression
At any length
Lift this obsession

Crawling to my glass prison
A place where no one knows
My secret lonely world begins

So much safer here
A place where I can go
To forget about my daily sins

Life here in my glass prison
A place I once called home
Fall in nocturnal bliss again

Chasing a long lost friend
I no longer can control
Just waiting for this hopelessness to end

[II. RESTORATION]

Run - fast from the wreckage of the past
A shattered glass prison wall behind me
Fight - past walking through the ashes
A distant oasis before me

Cry - desperate crawling on my knees
Begging God to please stop the insanity
Help me - I'm trying to believe
Stop wallowing in my own self pity

"We've been waiting for you my friend
The writing's been on the wall
All it takes is a little faith
You know you're the same as us all"

Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone

Enter the door
Desperate
Fighting no more
Help me restore
To my sanity
At this temple of hope

I need to learn
Teach me how
Sorrow to burn
Help me return
To humanity
I'll be fearless and thorough
To enter this temple of hope

Believe
Transcend the pain
Living the life
Humility
Opened my eyes
This new odyssey
Of rigorous honesty

Serenity
I never knew
Soundness of mind
Helped me to find
Courage to change
All the things that I can

"We'll help you perform this miracle
But you must set your past free
You dug the hole, but you can't bury your sole
Open your mind and you'll see"

Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone

[III. REVELATION]

Way off in the distance I saw a door
I tried to open
I tried forcing with all of my will and still
The door wouldn't open
[replaced with "but" in this line]

Unable to trust in my faith
I turned and walked away
I looked around, felt a chill in the air
Took my will and turned it over

The glass prison which once held me is now gone
["now" is not heard in this line]
A long lost fortress
Armed only with liberty
And the key of my willingness

Fell down on my knees and prayed
"Thy will be done"
I turned around, saw a light shining through
The door was wide open

This Dying Soul

[Lyrics by Mike Portnoy]

[IV. Reflections of Reality (Revisited)]

Hello, Mirror - so glad to see you my friend, it's been a while
Searching, Fearless - where do I begin to heal this wound of self-denial

Face yourself man!
Brace yourself and trace your hell back

You've been blinded, living lie a one way cold existence all the while
Now it's time to stare the problem right between the eyes you long lost child

I wanna feel your body breaking
Wanna feel your body breaking and shaking and left in the cold
I want to heal your conscience making a change o fix this dying soul

Born into this world a broken home
Surrounded by love yet all alone
Forced into a life that's split in two
A mother and a father both pulling you

Then you had to deal with loss and death
Everybody thinking they know best
Coping with this shit at such an age
Can only fill a kid with pain and rage

Family disease pumped through your blood
Never had the chance you thought you could
Running all the while with no escape
Turning all that pain in to blame and hate

Living on your own by twenty one
Not a single care and having fun
Consuming all the life in front of you
Burning out the fuse and smoking the residue

Possessive obsessions selfish childish games
Vengeful resentments
Passing all the blame
Living out a life of decadence
Acing without thought of consequence
Spreading all your lies from coast to coast
While spitting on the ones that matter most

Running power mad with no control
Fighting for the credit they once stole
No one can ever tell you what to do
Ruling other's lives while the can't stand the thought of you

A living reflection seen from miles away
A hopeless affliction having run astray

I wanna feel your body breaking
Wanna feel your body breaking and shaking and left in the cold
I want to heal your conscience making a change o fix this dying soul

Now that you can see all you have done
It's time to take that step into the kingdom
All your sins will only make you strong
And help you break right through the prison wall

[V. Release]

Come to me my friend (Listen to me)
I'll help this torture end (Help to set me free)
Let your ego go (I can't carry this load)
You can't go through this alone (I feel so hopeless and exposed)
You'll find your peace of mind (Give me some direction)
You can no longer hide (Break out of this isolation)
Let humility (Openness, honesty)
And become what you can be (A healing tranquility)

Help me
Save me
Heal me
I can't break out of this prison all alone

These tormenting ghosts of yesterday
Will vanish when exposed
You can't hold onto your secrets
They'll only send you back alone

Your fearless admissions
Will help expel your destructive obsessions
With my help I know you can
Be at one with God and man

Hear me
Believe me
Take me
I'm ready to break right through this prison wall

The Root Of All Evil

[Music: Dream Theater, Lyrics: Mike Portnoy]

[VI. Ready]

Proud enough for you to call me arrogant
Greedy enough to be labeled a thief
Angry enough for me to go and hurt a man
Cruel enough for me to feel no grief

Never could have just a part of it
I always need more to get by
Getting right down to the heart of it
The root of all evil has been running my whole life

Dirty enough for me to lust
Leaving nothing left to trust
Jealous enough to still feel envious
Lazy enough to sleep all day
And let my life just waste away
Selfish enough to make you wait for me

Driven blindly by our sins
Misled so easily
Entirely ready to leave it behind
I'm begging to break free

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast them all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me be what I can be

[VII. Remove]

Self-centered fear has got a hold of me
Clutching my throat
Self righteous anger running all through me
Ready to explode

Procrastination paralyzing me
Wanting me dead
These obsessions that keep haunting me
Won't leave my head

Help to do for me what I can't do myself
Take this fear and pain
I can't break out this prison all alone
Help me break these chains

Humility now my only hope
Won't you take all of me
Heal this dying soul

I can feel my body breaking
I can feel my body breaking
I'm ready to let it all go
I can feel my body shaking
Right down to the foundation
The root of it all

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast it all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me what I can be
I am ready
Come to me
Take me away

Repentance

[Music: Dream Theater / Lyrics: Mike Portnoy]

[VIII Regret]
Hello, mirror, so glad to see you my friend
It's been a while...

Staring at the empty page before me
All the years of wreckage running through my head
Patterns of my life I thought adorned me
Revealing hurtful shame and deep lament

Overwhelming sorrow now absorbs me
As the pen begins to trace my darkest past
Signs throughout my life
that should have warned me
Of all the wrongs I've done for which I must repent

I once thought it better to regret
Things that I have done than haven't
Sometimes you've got to be wrong
And learn the hard way
And sometimes you've got to be strong
When you think it's too late

Staring at the finished page before me
All the damage now so clear and evident
Thinking about the dreaded task in store for me
A pit of fear at the thought of my amends

Hoping that this step will help restore me
To face my past and ask for forgiveness
Cleaning up my dirty side of this unswept street
Could this be the beginning of the end?

I once thought it better to regret
Things that I have done than haven't
Sometimes you've got to be wrong
And learn the hard way
And just when you're through hanging on
You're saved

[IX Restitution]

"Until that moment, I'd never felt like I'd failed at anything...And I felt like I failed her...And I failed myself, and I failed my children...It's still really hard to deal with."

"I want to thank you for helping me to see my own selfishness and to tell you how regretful I am it has hurt you."

"I'm sorry I didn't visit you in the hospital, Grandpa when you were on your deathbed. I'm sorry I didn't come to your funeral...I don't know if I was selfish or just too scared to face it. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life."

"I'm here to confess with you that what I did, was wrong... And I'm asking for your forgiveness..."

"The only unforgivable thing hauls itself out of bed, looks over my shoulder at the bloody English weather..."

"I really regret not being able to see my friend Andy..."

"One of my best friends who's the godfather of my daughter, he asked me to sing or play something at his wedding, and I turned it down because I was busy and too much of a chicken shit to do it...And I feel sorry for that, because it was a very very close friend of mine..."

"So, I wanted to apologize to anyone that I've upset or offended.. they're just words, it's just an opinion, but unfortunately, I tend to express it as a fact, and that's kind of arrogant. Isn't it?"

"I think it's the betrayal...it still haunts me."

"I'm sorry for what I did back then... I was a different person. I really was and I'm so sorry. I wish it wouldn't have happened, but it did, and I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm sorry..."

"I guess I'm simply sorry for being me and not you. I so often wish you could be here with me to show me the way..."

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

"You're only as sick as your secrets, but the truth shall set you free..."

"The truth is the truth and the only thing you can do is to live with it."

The Shattered Fortress

[Music by Petrucci, Portnoy, Rudess and Myung, Lyrics by Mike Portnoy]

[X. Restraint]

Freedom calls my name
Serenity keeps me sane
Happiness -- it dulls the pain
Honest to see my place

Open to other ways
Willingness to understand
Justice but do not judge
Courtesy for others' flaws

Kindness -- it's not that hard
Self-restraint of tongue and pen
Inventory -- my daily friend
Analysis let down your guard

Look in the mirror
What do you see?
The shattered fortress
That once bound me

Faithful ascent, through darkest fires
I've found the path to take me higher

You're smart enough for me to trust go live your life now
Just keep these steps in your life and you'll know how
If you're not sure, ask yourself,
"Have I done to them as I would have them do to me?"

Look in the mirror
What's that you see?
The shattered fortress
Fly now be free

Faithful ascent, through darkest fires
I've found the path to take me higher

I once thought it better to be right
But now I have finally seen the light
Sometimes you've got to be wrong
And learn from mistakes
I live with serenity now
Not self-righteous hate

[XI. Receive]

(Help me be a channel of Thy peace
That where there is hatred, I may bring love;
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
That where there is error, I may bring truth;
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith)

Now that you can see all you have done
(That where there is despair, I may bring hope;
That where there are shadows, I may bring light)

It's time to take that step into the kingdom
(That where there is sadness, I may bring joy)

All your sins will help to make you strong
(That I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted.
That I may seek to understand than to be understood)

And help you break right through the prison wall
(That I may seek to love, rather than to be loved,
for it is by self-forgetting that one finds,
it is by forgiving that one is forgiven)

Keep all of me,
The desires that once burned me deep inside
Help me live today
And help to give me grace
To carry out your ways

I am ready, help me be all I can be
I am ready, help guide me and keep me free

[XII. Responsible]

I am responsible when anyone, anywhere
Reaches out for help, I want my hand to be there
I am responsible when anyone, anywhere
Reaches out for help, I want my hand to be there

In depression

Disappear

[music by Myung, Petrucci, Portnoy, Rudess]
[lyrics by James LaBrie]

Why, tell me the reasons why
Try, still I don't understand
Will I ever feel this again
Blue sky, I'll meet you in the end
Free them, free the memories of you
Free me, and rest 'til I'm with you

A day like today
My whole world has been changed
Nothing you say
Will help ease my pain

Turn, I'll turn this slowly round
Burn, burn to feel alive again
She, she'd want me to move on
See me, this place I still belong
Give chase, to find more than I have found
And face, this time now on my own

Days disappear
And my world keeps changing
I feel you here
And it keeps me sane

So I'm moving on
I'll never forget
As you lay there and watched me
Accepting the end
I knew you were scared
You were strong I was trying
I gave you my hand
I said it's okay letting go time to leave here
And I'll carry on
The best that I can without you here beside me
Let him come take you home

"A song to forget her..."

huh...pnt j...

gila r tadi
soklan pecah kepala
study dah mcm nak rak
tapi kuar xmsk akal...
pnt2... mcm mana final nanti agaknya eh...

lupe plak... men wat j...

Sape2 yang nk baca blog aku
bagilah email korg kat comment aku...
aku bagi tempoh 1 minggu
7 ari...
168 jam
10080 min
604800 saat....
so kalo xde email korg..
korg leh view page ni kot...
rasanya alah..
so lepas seminggu baru bole test mcm mana jadi...

oh,,,
masa kejadia di bawah...
aku xbwk nset or laptop nk bukti tue semua real...
sbb ape xbwk.. sbb...
huhu...
solitary shell...

Hai dunia....

kepada duniawi...
maaf2...
xhargai kehidupan ni...
aku bongkak...
ego..
dan xpuas dgn rahmat ko beri...
semalam ari bersejarah...
2 kali cubaan bunuh diri gagal...
yup...
bukan sekali...
tapi 2....
bodo2
sape bodo..
kau lah shahrul...
dan
arini aku..
sembahyang subuh wat sekian kali nya..
betul...
xtipu...
huh...
mlm tadi mlm aku kenang smpi bila2...
dari langgar org
jadi stalker
jadi road bully,
jadi suicide man,
jadi pe lagi eh..
sape2 yg baca ni mesti xcayakan..
dalam kul 10.00 p.m
smpi skrg aku masih lagi berjaga..
smua ni hasil tongkat ali cafe 2
kopi kaw di R n R ayer keroh..
red bull di 7 eleven alor gajah....
semua ni wat aku berjaga...
sbb apa aku jaga...
aku tkt mimpi yg bukan2 lagi...
semalam jgk aku putus harapan dgn dunia..
pertama...
ttp tingkap kete...
n duduk diam2 smpi xde nafas...
biar smpi tercungap2
bru rasa maut tu btl2 feel
tapi...
tiba2 aku lari keluar kereta...
kali kedua lagi dahsyat...
bwk 120km/j
terus ke arah lori yg terhegeh2 mcm penagih...
bila nk langgar j...
tangan ni plak wat hal...
tiba2 j dia tarik stereng ni....
rasakan kete anda berputar2 di tgh highway...
nasib xde kete..
kalo tak...
"laporan berita di lebuhraya...
sebuah kete kancil terbabas di kilometer 227(aku hentam j ni)
berhampiran susur keluar simpang ampat
dimana kete ni berpusing2 lalu merempuh treler di hadapanya..."
wah...
gempak x???

sbnrnya smua tu x!!!!
nape ko nk bunuh diri shahrul...
tadi jumpa dr kat klinik tun mamat...
aku nak ucap jutaan trimas kat beliau...
beliau telah menampar aku ke muka dgn sekuat hati....
tipu j...
ni perumpamaan j..
tapi kesan dia lebih kurang...
sbb dia telah bukak mata aku kepada ruang yang aku tak penah fikir n luas sgt2...
aku xtau nak ckp p dr ni..
walaupun bkn psychiatric
tp dia dpt fhm jiwa aku dgn cpt
mcm aku tgh ckp dgn ayah aku...(wpun aku n ayah aku xpernah bertegur sapa)
dia telah motivasi,nasihat,marah plus berleter kat aku selama 1 jam...
wat pertama kali aku wat tindakan yang betul...
aku jumpa org yg sepatutnya..
insaf aku tadi..
kalo air mata ni masih ada...
aku dh nangis depan dia...
tapi air mata aku dah kering sgt2...
skt mata skrg ni...

mak ayah...
maaf kan ijam..
ijam xsyukur lahir kat dunia ni,
ijam xpernah puas apa yang dikurniakan oleh allah s.w.t
ijam banyak dosa kat mak n ayah..
adik beradik..
kawan2.. terutama Clark Kent
dan org2 di sekeliling ijam..
smlm juga wat pertama kali aku menitis air mara semasa berdoa...
YA ALLAH S.W.T....
KAU telah berikan aku pertunjuk dan hidayat dengan cara yang unik sekali...
wat pertama kali dalam hidup aku...
aku bersyukur lahir di dunia ini,
sempurna,
agama islam
normal mcm yang lain...
aku bersyukur....
Kepada Dr MAHIDZIR B HASSAN
aku terhutang nyawa pada mu....
tujuan aku mintak ubat selsema yg byk utk aku bunuh diri dgn cara telan semua ubat selsema
dan minum air coke...
tapi kau telah pandu kan aku ke jalan Nya...
terima kasih Dr...
aku akan pegang janji2 ku yg telah aku janji pada mu di klinik tadi...

so..
blog ni akan di swastakan...
bukan kerajaan lagi...
ni je lah yang tinggal untuk aku luah isi hati aku yang diluar tenang dan ceria
tapi di dalam jiwa meronta2 n terpekik2 untuk suara kan isi hati ni...
myb some akan dpt terus baca n some akan di halang...
aku rasa agak panjang aku tulis ni...
huhu...
so dunia...
aku bukti kan kat kau
yang aku adalah khalifah di muka bumi ini
dan aku akan jadi Somebody nanti
so watch out world
the dark storm is coming to raid you...

oh lupe
"kepada insan yang tercinta"
ini lah tragedi oktober...
baca lah surat tu...
MOGA
doa kita kat awk termakbul
AMIN...
sama2 lah kita amin kan yer..

Peace.Love.Attitude

hahaha..perasan2.....

ptt lah awk cal...
igt awk nk pujuk..
padahal xbaca lagi post2 sblm2 ni...
perasan j awk nk pujuk kite...
xlayak kot...
hmmm...
ati..sowi seksa kamu... tau kamu berdebar dgr suara dia... tapi... tolonglah... dia khayalan sahaja...
janganlah mcm ni yeh ati... xsuka seksa ati... tapi... terpaksa... sabar eh ati... d org lain lagi utk ati ni nk bermanja...bersedih dan meluahkan isi ati ni... jgn sedey2 eh ati.. ini dugaan...